


Self-made Man: Secret Senpai Knows

by ClutteredHeadspace



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Body Worship, M/M, Mirror Sex, Not Beta Read, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-05-21 04:08:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6037471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClutteredHeadspace/pseuds/ClutteredHeadspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stein isn't the only one that understands the need to dissect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sure what to say. Lately I've had this scene floating around my head and I think it fits Stein well. I'm sure it's not a new fan-cannon but what-ever. I'm pretty happy with it and I hope you enjoy it. It's the first time I've ventured into trans issues. I've researched and read and hopefully have done what is often a complicated issue justice. (As a cis-female I understand that this is a bit outside of my scoop so feed-back is greatly appreciated). Hopefully the boys aren't too OOC. Enjoy and drop me a comment to let me know how I did.

He traced his lips over the warm swath of skin along the side of his lovers neck, tongue flicking out to taste the teasing traces of salt and musk that rose from their warm flesh. He felt his chest give a faint rumble of appreciation and they leaned back into him head falling to the side with a soft chuckle of amusement. 

"So eloquent Senpai." To others the low monotone was bland, but he'd known them for years, could trace the faint amusement swirling through it without needing to see the quirk to their lips. Could feel their approval in the laxity of their strength. It was heady, knowing that few others would ever get to see this side of them. Smiling he scraped his teeth over one of their thick raised scars, smirking as they gave a faint shudder of pleasure at the small pain. 

"I believe your orders were to shut up and kiss you." he murmured in the shell of their ear just to feel them shiver against his chest, squirm lightly despite their larger form. 

"Which you still haven't done." The retort was soft, lost somewhere between a pout and an accusation. He brushed his nose through the shaggy hair that hide the sensative spot on their nape. 

"My kiss, my rules." He nipped there lightly, felt them jerk reflexively as their knees gave out and he tightened the arm he had around their waist and the hand on their hip. "You complaining?" he asked and there was a long moment, a telling pause before they let out a long breath. 

"Idiot." There wasn't any heat to the insult and after years of familiarity he knew that more often then not it was an endearment these days. Smirking he turned his attention back to the exposed skin of their neck. It wasn't often he got the chance to indulge in a slow exploration of their flesh but there had been something in their eyes when they'd knocked on his door that had been pleading for it. He was always willing to serve. He inhaled along the beginning of the slope of their shoulder just so he could watch goosebumps rise over their pale skin. Pleased he shifted against them, let his hardness settled into the curve of their ass listened for the faint shudder on their exhale. Nipping them again lightly he brought the hand around their waist up and slowly started to flick open the buttons on their dress-shirt.

He knew that this garment was a concession just for him. If they had their way they would have stitched the fabric to their flesh like a shield, securing their secrets blow thick material and psychological intimidation. However in this shirt he could feel the heat rising from their skin, trace the scars below without even having to apply more than butterfly pressure. It made them feel vulnerable, muscles fluttering under his touch like the heartbeat of a terrified bird. It was a sign of trust that they simply leaned back into him more, head tilting to fall against his shoulder and stretching their neck into a submissive arch. He watched their reflection in the mirror before them, enjoying the contrast of his sun kissed skin against their indoor pale flesh as it was slowly exposed by each twist of his wrist and the release of the tiny plastic buttons. He nuzzled along their shoulder worshiping his with lips the new skin he could access as he pushed the material towards their shoulder. His hand continued it's downward journey careful to keep the touch steady and predictable. His fingers itched to slip beneath the material to explore the familiar tapestry of skin and scars but he waited. Drew it out until he could feel the form pressed to him begin to shift, hips restlessly grinding back against him as his breathing thickened and pulse began to warm. 

Smiling he pressed his lips to the side of their neck as the last button fell open and he slowly slipped both arms around him so that he could skim his palms up simultaneously. The slow drag of his fingers over the cut ridges of carefully fostered muscles and inconsistent meals. They were warm and solid, wiry gray hair pressed against his palms teasingly. The nearly invisible happy trail obvious to touch though the colour was difficult to presieve against his skin. They shuddered again as he paused to tease puckered prominent nipples, pinkies drifting along the nearly invisible scar that curved along the base of each defined pec. He marveled at the strength of the form against his own, the heavy musculature that trembled so sweetly just from a touch. Though they were only an inch or two taller then him the breadth of their shoulders practically hid his lean form from sight in the mirror. Sucking a bruise into their throat he continued to toy with their nipples until they were squirming against him practically at their limit already and he hadn't even finished undressing him. 

"So strong." He murmured hands tracing back downwards, smoothing along the ridges of their ribs and the solid curve of their waist. "How did I get so lucky?" He mused just to feel the hitch of their breath as he spoke. He turned his head to nip their ear in reprimand. "You promised me you'd watch Kohai." the familiar endearment rolled easily off his tongue. Decades of history, pain, and love thick in the inflection of the word. Shuddering they raised their head reluctantly. He could feel the trepidation in the action but he soothed them with hands and lips whispering praises to them for their courage and their strength. "What a good boy you are for me." He whispered as one hand came up to give a particularly sharp twist to one nipple enjoying how the reflection of their eyes darkened and dilated. "How good can you be?" he asked softly letting his hands drop to their waist, fingers toying with the button of their jeans even as his other palm dropped to press against the hardness hidden by their zipper. They groaned and thrust into his hand reflexively making him smile even as he ground the heel of his palm against them in reward. "So eager." he praised ignoring the gravel forming in his own voice as it lowered with intention.

The button of their pants flipped open easily and he slipped a hand below, tracing the scars that littered the soft surface of their pelvis, thin and fine with none of the heavy attention drawing lines that decorated the cuts around their torso. Hand drifting to the left over the thin skin of their hip he watched their breathing accelerate as he left his fingers explore the heavy scar there that curved down and around their hip to the fold of their buttock. It was a reaction he believed would never get old, the way their eyes went heavy as he traced the marks they'd deliberately carved into their flesh. Marking it and claiming it for their own. He enjoyed it, enjoyed watching how they shuddered and rutted against his palm harder with each press against them. He brought his hand back around to the front, fingers kneading the bulge behind their zipper even as he thumbed the zipper down part ways, exposing to his eyes the narrow silver scars that his fingers had traced before. Now they shuddered against him and he knew that they were reaching their limit. The mirror was a challenge for them, it pushed their limits but he knew better than to take them too close to that razor edge. Trust was delicate and he knew better then any the price and pain of breaking it. Pressing his wide spread hand against their pelvis as an anchor his other abandoned it's prize and came up to catch their chin, turning their head to him so he could finally capture and claim the lips that he'd watched them bite in the mirror. 

Desperately they sought to deepen it and he allowed it, shifting his weight to turn them away from the mirror as he undid the rest of the zipper allowing their pants to fall from slim hips, decent slowed by powerful thighs before pooling on the floor. "Bed." He murmured to them sinking his teeth into their lower lip as he drew back watching as they struggled to interrupt what he'd said. The bright intelligence of their olive eyes hazy and distracted with pleasure. Swallowing they carefully stepped out of their pants and crawled onto the smoothed blankets of his bed. His eyes dropped and lingered on the thin painted on white briefs that hugged the sinful bubble of their ass. Gracefully they fell to their back and watched him with hungry eyes, tongue slipping out to catch the lingering taste of him on their lips. 

"Your turn." The whispered and his lips curved as he dropped his hands to the waist of his slacks and let them fall to the floor. Watching they way they tilted their head to the side in absent admiration. He knew their preference for the order of his reveal and though it was out of order for his own he was always happy to comply. He turned his back to him and bent at the waist to slowly slide down his underwear, the silk heated from his skin and it's absence making a shiver of chill run up his spine. He tossed them carelessly aside as he turned back to stalk towards the bed. Raising one knee to the edge as he leaned over them to begin undoing his shirt. Dropping his head to catch their lips with his again even as their hand fumbled for the hem of his shirt to slip below and grasp his length. Now it was his turn to shudder and catch his breath in pleasure. Their touch undid him, made him deaf and blind to anything but the feel of their callouses against his skin. Struggling against the weight that was pressing against him he pulled his shirt over his head impatiently, red hair catching and tangling only to fall against his face in chaotic disorder though he hardly noticed. Reaching down he caught their wrist and pulled them away trapping it on the mattress above them as he reached for the other and brought it up as well. Grinning he shifted his grip till he could pin both wrists with the clasp of his larger palm. Feeling the deceptively delicate bones twist in objection. 

"Nope. This is my night Kohai." He used his free hand to brush their shaggy bangs back from their face so he could admire the bone structure so often over looked to focus on the curving scar on their cheek. Reaching up he pulled off their glasses carefully, and shifted to set them on the bedside table before returning to settle his weight over their chest. "My night to pleasure you." He brushed butterfly kisses along the curve of their cheek-bones, acknowledging the scar but attention focused beyond it. Intent on touching the secrets that only he knew about his love, on caressing the bits of themselves that he knew they locked away. He wanted to remind them that even those were beautiful, powerful. The reminders of a forge that had made them into who they were today. He felt them struggle for a moment against him then settle and soften with a sigh. He tilted his head to catch their lip softly, nipping at the plump teasing curve that he knew looked amazing weather curving in a smile or around his cock. He kept it light and superficial, the hot soft cling of lips and tangled mingling breath. No less intimate then the hungry delving of teeth and tongue but igniting a slow burn that settled into the blood and head. His free hand explored their skin and shoulder, tracing scars and musculature. Pressing now and again to explore bone and sinew, kneading at tension until it broke and melted away settling them deeper into the mattress.

He drew back to press his lips to the hollow under his jaw tipping at the thin tender flesh while stubble scraped against his lips. "Leave them there." he murmured giving their wrists a pointed squeeze and push into the mattress as he released them to guide himself downwards, mouth worshiping the heat rising from their throat and nip red marks against that smooth column just to feel them thrust and squirm against him though they kept their hands where he'd left them. He glanced up to watch how those strong surgeons hands curled into a white-knuckled fists in the bedding, anchoring themselves and he smiled and rose up to bestow more of those teasing heated kisses on their lips in a reward, cherishing the needy whine that escaped their throat as he drew back. He murmured nonsense to their skin, letting the gravel of his voice anchor them while he took them apart piece by piece with hands, lips and tongue. They shuddered against him, breath deepening and slowing though each inhale was shaky and the exhales were broken vocalizations. Their natural inclination to modesty struggling with the heat in their veins looking for an escape.

He smiled as his own blood heated and he couldn't resist the occasional grind of his hips against them. However this wasn't for him, tonight's pleasure was for them and he was well used to ignoring his own needs for others. Sometimes he resented this instinct of his, chaffed at his inability to place his own desires and wants at the core of his actions. However for them, just for them, this patchwork lover it felt effortless to serve, to praise. He latched onto one sensitive peak while his hand toyed with it's twin just to feel them gasp and arch up into the pleasure pain of oversensitivity. Chuckling darkly he caught it with his teeth one last time before switching to the other, hearing the fist whispers of nonsense and need slip from their lips. Toying with them he took them to the edge with just teeth, tongue, and suction before brushing an apology over the abused flesh and shifting lower as they whined in objection, hips grinding up against him in desperation.

"Easy. Easy." he murmured against them. "We're not done yet. Not close." They gasped and sobbed at that promise and he pressed his lips to the faint scars on their pelvis. Tracing the history and the story of them. These scars represented pain he hadn't been able to support them through. An internal war so overwhelming that the marks etched onto the landscape were both victory and defeat. He lingered and worshiped until their breath was a constant whine of need and desire, broken with emotional sobs that tugged at his heart. "I've got you love." He promised, rising up to catch their lips again. "Let go for me handsome. Let go for me." He peppered kisses over their face until they calmed and then he shifted back to his previous position.

He caught the waistband of their briefs and removed their last barrier feeling their breath freeze as air caressed them. Swiftly he laved his tongue over them, knowing that the was the only way to ease the apprehension that locked down their lips. Their hands buried in his hair with a groan as he sealed his lips over them, sucking and tonguing them until they began to squirm torn between thrusting into his mouth and drawing away from the stimulation. He chuckled and hummed, pleasure coiling in his pelvis as their back arched with a cry at the knife edge of sensation that brushed over them. He groaned himself as they brought their legs up, trapping him between powerful thighs as their heels dug into his back. He continued to tease them, adding the occasional scrap of teeth just to build them towards that looming point where pleasure and pain blended to push them off the edge. 

"There, there!" Their low voice was broken as the hands in his hair moved him exactly as they wanted up and they suddenly came apart around him. Back bowing and a scream ripping from their throat. Their legs locked like a vice around his head even as they ground deeper into his mouth to draw out the sensations a long as they could. He lapped and sucked at their crown lightly as they slowly fell back into their bones gasping and slowly releasing the death grip in his hair. Finally he drew back to admire his prize spread out boneless on the bed before him. Eyes half lidded with exhaustion and cheeks flushed with pleasure. They were beautiful, absolutely beautiful, a patchwork of softness and strength open to him as a reward for his efforts. Drawing in a deep breath they forced their eyes open to study him lips curving as they stroked their hands through his hair and he leaned into the touch weak as always for affection.

Tugging lightly they forced him to climb back up so they could catch his mouth in a soft clinging kiss, loose and warm under him. "I hope you're not done yet." They murmur and he growls softly and grinds his painful hardness against their thigh.

"Give me some credit." he muttered with affronted male ego cheeks flushing in embarrassment as they laugh then force him over onto his back.

"Mhmm. No blushing virgin are you Senpai." they purred straddling his hips now and his hands rose to curl around theirs instinctively, unable to resist thrusting up against their heat with a groan. 

"I never kiss and tell." he responds distractedly. Smirking they press his shoulders into the mattress and hook their feet over his thighs keeping him still and at their mercy.

"Admirable." They murmur and shift and he feels his length slowly glide along the teasing valley of their ass. "How badly do you want me?" They ask and he wants to snarl and snap at them in frustration but he doesn't, instead he settles into the mattress returning the trust that they'd given him.

"I always want you." He answered with broken honesty. "From the time when you were too young for me til now." he let his wavelength loosen a little bit, brush against the stitched and scared edges of their own knowing the touch could say more than words. He always screwed up with words, he did better with wavelengths and silence. They shuddered and let the edge of their own soul mingle with his. It wasn't a resonance but they didn't need one. From day one they'd always fallen into they rhythm of each other like breathing. It was the sort of bond that pain and distance hadn't been able to sever. The whisper flow and fall of empathy that said all the words that neither of them were good at. With a shiver and a moan they brought their mouth down to his, fingers flexing for a moment before they adjusted themselves over him.

"So good to me Senpai." They murmured, "Give me what I need tonight." suddenly he was enveloped by a tight wet vice and he made a broken sound and threw his head back into the bed.

"Oh god Stein," he shuddered, only the frailest thread of self control and his lovers ankles anchored his hips to the bed. "You don't have to." he gasped, more familiar with the tight lubed squeeze of their ass then the almost virginal silky pressure that surrounded him now. They leaned down and sank their teeth into his neck with the familiar sadist touch that often tumbled him into bed. 

"I only do what I want Senpai." they unlocked their ankles, sinking lower "Take me apart." it was part plea and party order, with a groan he did complied.

The rest of the night passed in heat and fire, desperate bites and pleading touches. When they finally collapsed boneless with exhaustion he tugged the blanket around the pair of them and nuzzled Steins sweat matted hair as he curled around the larger form as a mis-matched big spoon. The scientist grumbled out a sigh and pressed against him, nuzzling their cheek into the soft skin of his bicep.

"Thank-you Senpai." They murmured and the redhead sighed against his hair.

"No Kohai." he responded, and brushed a soft kiss over a bruise that decorated their shoulder. "Love does't need to be thanked." he mumbled sleepily already feeling the world beyond the form in his arms drift away. He didn't catch their response.


	2. Ch. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard living with a ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this quickly on my phone. Again, I hope that you enjoy this and that it captures the experience of some trans* individuals struggles.

Marie doesn't get it. She tries, he can watch her struggle with the clinical detachment of a scientist. The pause before she says his name, the pout when he explains to her, again, that the surgery didn't magically make the demons in his head go away. Her frown when he walks around the lab in his briefs and packer. Silent disapproval that cuts worse then any of the scalpels ever did. 

She complains that he spends too much time in the weight room he has concealed in the basement of the lab. Of the needles and vials that he injects like a junkie chasing a high. How she insists that he shave every night before she'll let him make love too her. She sighs longingly over the sons they'll never have. Sighs again in exasperation when he explains that the chance even for daughters was lost when he gleefully went under the knife to remove the organ he wasn't meant to have. 

She doesn't see him. He wonders sometimes if this was how Spirit felt as he watched his wife run up bills for hotel rooms he never stayed in. If it's the same feeling when Maka dismisses her fathers presence. Marie is in love with a memory, a ghost that haunts his past and reflection. It would be better for them both if he let her go. Azusa would stop glaring at him when he never comments on the fact that the pillows on his bed often have traces of her perfume. Marie would stop waiting up at night with red rimmed eyes when he comes home late tasting like Spirit's whiskey. 

He thought having her in his life would help. Every man wants her. They watch him with envy when she walks up to him and kisses him on the cheek. They don't know that in his dreams the stubble that's sometimes on her legs is on her cheeks. That she only makes love to him in the dark. That when she loses herself to her climax she screams a name that makes him die again inside. That she calls him pretty, when she thinks he needs a pick me up. That he'll lose himself in his research everytime she forgets his pronouns. Even after years together she doesn't understand the pain that she causes so unthinkingly. 

Unfortunately they've carried on the facade for too long now to end it cleanly. Neither knows how to let go of the dreams that the other once represented. Instead they hang on, hurting each other with silence and carelessness until only shells of themselves remain. Shells they both turn to others to fill. She to the soft curves he'll never have again. Himself to the soul-mate he let slip away. 

When he finds a tear stained picture tucked under her pillow one night his heart breaks. A stranger looks back at him at once foreign and intimately familiar. Frances was her name, though she only ever signed her name as F.Stein.  
He dissolved it in a beaker of acid, then he burned the solution that remained. Marie hides the others.


End file.
